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tv   midnight With Chris Hardwick  Comedy Central  July 14, 2017 12:01am-12:31am PDT

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>> outbreak not contained. >> aahhh! >> it's me. >> outbreak not contained. >> no! >> outbreak not contained! (applause) >> chris: well it is 11:29 and 29 seconds, hey, look out titanic there is a new iceberg in town thrk massive hunk of frozen water broke off the larsen c ice shelf, and now loose on the open sea where it will be shunned by birds and threaten shipping lanes until it melts. it is described in the way americans can even understand, this is seven new york cities. seven! new york cities, think about how much urine that is, seven new york cities of urine, that is what larsen-c means for the environment. for some reason people seem freaked out about this delaware sized iceberg barreling across the ocean and there is nothing we can do to stop it from coming too our houses an sinking our titanics and melting sea levels,
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not to mention the habitat change and potentially climate changes that will ensue after that and the environmental just implode and then we're all go to die, but that probably happen by new years anyway. so shut up about it. anyway, come ed yns i would like you to say something to calm everyone down about the larsen-c iceberg. iman. >> just want to reconnect with its pop size cube, right? >> chris: i mean seriously, seriously. points. ginger. >> first of all, fake news, am i right? and secondly, we don't need to worry because now we are all going to live in our favorite movie, water world! (applause) kevin costner, he was like a mermaid or something. >> we just have to look on the bright side and maybe we'll get another celinedeon hit out of this. >> chris: that is the side no one ever tells you about this. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> chris: how do you like that thinking.
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next up, you ain't never met a senate majority whip quite like me. not the first to observe that our world is looking more and more like its own parallel universe every single day, case in point, yesterday kid rock announced he is running for u.s. senate, the thing. >> great news. s no fake news. >> chris: he tweeted the announcement and linked to a website kelling kid rock for senate merch, that show did not include a flaccidk for female voters, that says surely this is leading to a presidential bid in 2020-- 2024. i like this ticket. the rock and kid rock. plawtion (applause) can you smell what the rock is cooking? met. d meth. >> yes.
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comedians, every good politician needs a scan will da work say political scandal that can anger candidate kid rock supporters. >> i will say hillary clinton is kid rock's side kick. >> chris: that's good, points. kevin. >> we find out that he was actually a virgin. >> chris: this whole time, this whole time. >> he might be. >> chris: oh my gosh. he's never known a woman. next up, artificial life, intelligence is capable of amazing things programs made to rep i will cake human bots, drive cars, write thousands upon thousands of nicholas cage movies. >> very true. >> chris: there is an ai bot on amazon using random stock photos to design some bizarre smartphone covers.
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which of these is an actual smartphone cover designed by an ai. a, lines of cocaine, b an elaborate sex toy, c, a woman who has just realized she is pregnant and in turmoil about whether or not to ep coo the baby. >> chris: ginger. >> an elaborate sex toy. >> chris: they're all real. this is fun. okay, okay. here. and as promised, after the sex toy the woman who realized she is pregnant-- onliers in the toilet on whether or not she is going to ep coo the baby. >> looks like my mom. >> chris: that's funny, they felt bad for you. >> yeah, wow. >> chris: she kept the baby. >> yay. >> done, yay, yeah. >> chris: word of advice, if you do have a bab he in the
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toilet, put it in a bowl of rice t will be fine. (laughter) next up, the island of dr. moron internet host and screaming pile of deflated basketballs brought to life by the pile of ritalin alex jones has voiced new concerns on his show info wars about the dangers of experimenting with animal dna. i'm not talking about the thing alex tried once in college, i mean lab-grown animal humanoid hybrids, take a listen if you can. >> i have hundreds of articles i see every week about hunan mall-- you talk about people you know in research labs i talk to them too. you see humanoids like 80% gor labs, 08% pig and they're talking. >> chris: that's 160 percent gorilla pig. i would like to present my own conspiracy theory and say alex joans i'm seems like needer beast nor man so what would
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supplies together to make alex jones. ginger. >> 50% alex jones' mom, 50% alex jones' mom's brother. >> chris: points. >> keep it in the family. >> chris: kevin. >> i say 1 percent man, 99% honey baked ham. >> chris: yes. (laughter). >> chris: let's check the scoreboards, 300 points from the strain, final see july 15th on fx, kevin durand. (applause). >> chris: with 400 points from i'm dying up here sunday on showtime ginger gonzaga. (applause). >> chris: and with 400 points he's the god for guard for the cleveland cavaliers it is i man shumpert.
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(applause) time for the hashtag wars. every year around this time the internet's content producers offer their recommendations for summer reading, but the requirements for being considered a summer book are very, very loose. as long as it doesn't contain a scene where santa claus drinks a pumpkin spice latte you're good but where are the books about what summer actually feels like. the novel is about rubbing a low vera on your sun burnt nipples wrrk is the chicken soup for the guy who walked side ways on a hot day to peel his thigh away from his scrotup sack. we will come up with soam realistic summer reading with the hashtag make a boob warm. examples might be eat pray sweat, or the old man and the ac. i will put 60 seconds on the clock. begin. ginger. >> as i lay dying of heat stroke. >> chris: points. good, come on. >> to grill a mocking bird.
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>> chris: very good, very good, kevin durand. >> 12 sweatymen. >> chris: very good, come on. >> game of thongs. >> chris: all right, points, kevin. >> bridgette joansz's fiery. >> chris: good, ginger. >> the hunger flames. >> chris: all right, points, come on. >> musty dick. >> chris: very well played, ginger. >> the hot bribeel biebel, a really hot one. >> chris: kevin. >> the ac's brokeback mountain. >> chris: very good. >> warm and -- >> chris: one more. >> fried eggs and ham. >> chris: perfect. there the whole time. that is it send your hashtag make a back warm, tag those "@midnight" to keep the game going. we'll be back with more "@midnight." congratulations to our tweet of the day from yesterday's hashtag
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charys plaws. >> chris: the playing a course is a course of course of course. so-- a college education has become insanely expensive, it's stimed americans currently owe 1.4 trillion dollars in student loan debt. so what do college, did someone just go [bleep] you. it was-- the thing i loved about it is it was so reflexive t was just [bleep] you. points to you.
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so-- so what a college student gets for all that cash outside of alcohol poisoning and hpv, well, the truth is a lot of university courses are even stupider than a doon box poster with a black light. i will show you a bizarre college class and you tell me a lesson. michigan state has a class called surviving the coming zombie a apoc liss. >> i support this 100%, i would host the class after that one. >> chris: what do you learn in this particular class though? >> how to break the ice with chris hardwick. >> chris: this is the way right to my heart, this is the way to my heart. iman. >> probably that i'm the only one that could outrun the moth-[bleep] >> chris: points. ginger. >> when are you one of only five
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human survivors it's really easy to get laid. >> chris: yeah, points. here say course offered at santa clara university called joy of garbage. what might you learn in this class. ginger. >> to throw off the cops you always want to roll your dead prostitutes up in carpet. >> chris: okay, points. kevin. >> where sabaro gets all its pizza toppings. >> >> chris: iman. >> that one of them 2017 championship rings might be in there, brother. >> chris: all right, points. >> i got to stand up for kevin durands everywhere. >> of course you do.
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he said it is with a d, not a c, got t got t gt it. >> chris: next up, a course from southern california's pitzer college, learning from youtube. >> of course. it's what is something would you pick up from this class. >> kevin. >>-- . >> chris: very easy class, dashcam catch everything. iman. >> if you get in a fight and you get your ass whopped just remember they not going to hip, they are going to yell-- . >> chris: absolutely, internet 1016789 finally a penn class we can all relate to, wasting time on the internet. when is the what say lesson you would learn from this class. iman. >> no matter who wins a twitter war, both y'all are done. >> chris: yes, got you.
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i really want to keep remembering that. >> i feel like i could just convince that guy he's a [bleep] ass hole, if i stay up all night i can do it ginger. >> realizing that all the twitter likes in the world won't bring your dad back. he's not dead, he's in jail. it's okay, you don't have to be so sad. >> chris: time for our live challenge, well-heeled. well-heeled. politics is steeped into every aspect our lives these days, even the show which used to just be vines of drunk guys falling off hoverboards and fanned artist with hedgehog blowing up himself. it is now bogged down, with politics thanked an episode of rachel mad au so the indy-- maddow, deep red state ken keb home of appalachian mountain wrestles has a new heel named daniel richards aka the progressive liberal.
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here he is. richards draws vicious boos by lecturing audiences for voting against their own interests. then again kentucky wrestling fans are only interested in wrestling and huffing paint. so here is a clip of this bleeding heart brawler in action. >> let me tell you what the progressive liberal daniel richards is going to do we're going to re-educate you, teach you to read and write, we'll help you get jobs. with clean energy. >> it is appalachian. >> chris: boo, boo, go back to california, you piece of [bleep] and it seems like the progressive liberal has the kentucky circuit pretty much covered. i would like you to troll a different state as a wrestling heel, we'll get your answers after the break and be right back with more "@midnight."
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this is the brand new samsung galaxy s8.guys? first thing you need to discuss is that display. the s8 plus has a higher resolution. it is just... it's beautiful. one of the best cameras you can put in your pocket again this year. we have gorilla glass 5 front and back. ip68 water and dust resistant. everything out the way... save that s8. ah, i love this phone! (cheers and applause). >> chris: welcome back to
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"@midnight" 6789 before the break i told you about indy wrestler daniel richards currently enraging kentucky with his gimmick the progressive liberal. i ask you to taunt another state as a wrestling bad guy, let's see what you came up with. kevin. >> hey, california, it is me arnold. i'm back to be your gover naturer, your housekeepers and sejas a la vista to your-- . >> chris: very nicely done. iman. >> pennsylvania, do you smell! what pitsberg is cooking. unemployment, everybody calm down. >> chris: ginger. >> hey, floor darks it's me, cheryl from child protective services. i'm here to legally take your children a what because you took a-- to a wal-mart. >> chris: this is a tough one, this say really tough one.
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i think i'm just going to keep it, i will give everyone $5,000 points. time for our pour some pepper on me. here we go. so the internet loves doingos, pupper, of woofers, yapper, i love dogs too but want to suggest that maybe we're taking it a bit too far, like the world is slowly burning to the ground around us and we're all trying to distract ourselves from our imminent doom by squeezing a fuzzy wuzy face and treating our pets like the children that our moms are pressuring us into having. we have been married less thn a year, mom, [bleep] get off my back about it i will fire it in there when we're good and ready, okay? anyway, one overly pampered pooch went viral thanks to twitter using tomorrowee rivers who posted the rules his aunt wrote for taking care of her dog
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pepper and it reads, breakfast, 8 a.m., quarter cup of food, fill bowl with fresh water, affection, big hug, little kiss and most important, don't hate her because you ain't her. there is no way that dog is not a whreep bleep ass hole there is no way. so comedians, i would like you to get directions from aning a ro pet owner as you can and 60 seconds and begin, kevin. >> kev be. >> okay, dogs won't lick peanut butter off your testicles, however it will eat jelly off your clitoris. >> yeah, i get that. >> rate? >> yeah. >> chris: ginger. >> pie dog is constipated so rub his belly and let him poop in your hand, that is how it has to be. >> chris: points, come on. >> he drinks sparkling water, you drink-- . >> chris: points. >> princess sleaps in the master bedroom and we have a towel for you in the living room. >> chris: yeah, points. iman. >> if he is lonely at night just
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swipe him a tender bit. >> chris: kevin. >> if he starts to hump your leg, make sure to make direct eye contact before he is done. >> chris: he'll do all the work. you know i'm not going to eliminate anyone today. >> [bleep] >> chris: i know. >> it is very-- you got to keep your hands to the side. >> i know. >> i know, but she's also closer to the button. >> i'm not eliminating, this is one tournament you cannot get eliminated. >> i mean that as a compliment. i mean that as a compliment. i will fight every single one of
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you. i will help you. >> thank you. that means it's time to mow someone down it's for the win. coexisting with neighbors can lead to tense situations and that is definitely the quais with this sequim washington ready res dnt who mowed a-hole and an arrow to his neighbor's property into his lawn. you see that rit there. but i sort of, i feel like he should have just written, asshole because otherwise, it is just meab is he just telling someone there is a hole nearby. it is just like, a hole, the redditters discovered the insult on google maps make it visible from space next to that stretch of the great wall of china that says [bleep] mongolia. in english, cursive. >> it's beautiful, yeah.
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>> i want you to show me how you mowed something into your lawn as petty revenge on a neighbor, we'll have the answers and name a winner when we come back on "@midnight." (blowing whistle) ( ♪ ) ♪ i'm not playing with you ♪ ♪ i could bend a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i could play a little bit, a bit for you ♪ ♪ i could see a little bit, a little bit ♪ ♪ i can see a little bit, a bit of you ♪ ♪ i've got a hold on you ♪ ♪ you got a hold... alex. that's ny name. alex? it's mine too. ♪ i got a new swimsuit with glitter and fringes ♪ ♪ and i got a case of the too many benjamins ♪
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>> chris: welcome back to "@midnight." time for for the win. i will wipe your scores lean, wipe, wipe, wipe, all right, let me read the answer as loud and you the audience will he did side the winner, before the break i showed you the homeowner in washington who mowed a-hole or a hole and an arrow pointing to his neighbors housings i asked to you show me something you would mow to exact revenge on your neighbor. >> who was number one, who was number one who wrote the first one. >> that


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